I am not funny

I do not have any funny habits.

I do not dig my nose and then lick my finger like a lollipop.

I do not wear white socks when I am about to go out and play football in the muddy Mumbai rains.

I generally (read: always) do not carry my couple of cheese sandwiches in my tin of shoe polish.

I do not call my boyfriend as ‘bubbling bobble batty bunny bonbon boy’.

I do not wash my utensils in my potty, though I know that flushing saves my scrubbing pains.

I do not play cricket with a fragile glass bat and a red-hot molten iron ball.

I don’t use my journal submission papers as toilet paper.

I do not kiss and bathe my pet dragonfly.

I do not watch movies putting them in the 32X mode.

I never try wearing my bracelets as necklaces. (Size matters!: watch the pun)

I do not tear off my boyfriend’s picture into a thousand pieces so that my parents wouldn’t know about him; and hence I do not wake up at 4 am bright, to do the jig-saw puzzle just to see the goddamned face of my boyfriend!

I do not shave off my poodle’s tail hair.

I do not stalk and scare off the people whom I have a crush on.

I wear black, and do not expect people to call it deep purple, or the least – fuchsia.

I do not call up my friends to ask them their phone numbers.

I do not carry a bunch of 6 soft toys to my Physics class.

I do not believe the ‘fact’ that green nail paint on toenails can bring in good luck.

I do not play any sport with 12 others if the ground is as huge as 10 x 10 sq. feet.

I have not saved my dad’s name in my cell phone as Hitler.

I do not answer my nature’s call at the beach or in the swimming pool. I put the call on hold.

I do not wear a bright orange top on faded brown jeans and accessorize it with golden nail paint, white earrings and a parrot green bag.

When I tie two plaits, I do not use different coloured bands for the two.

I do not mistake Achilles for Akhilesh; and hence I’d never mistake him to be my paperboy!

I do not fail my exams by writing that Pluto is the ringed planet, has 17 moons and is the closest to the sun.

I do not sit under an apple tree and wonder who stole the apples.

I do not sit in an auto rickshaw and complain as to why the A/C isn’t working.

I have never carried the Year Diary as my School Diary.

I have never tried getting myself electrocuted just to get the latest hip haircut.

I do not dance like a cucumber getting twisted in every possible direction.

I have never thought or tried dissecting an amoeba.

I do not comb my hair with the spiral binding of my notebook.

I do not believe that adding scotch to butter makes butterscotch.

I have never tried wearing potpourri flowers in my head.

I do not think that elephants are Complan boys.

And the high-scorer now…
I never say “My conceptions are not clear.”