Night

Do you sleep in five?
Or does it take eternity?

Do you hear them crickets?
The buzzing mosquitoes?
Or is it your headphones and a/c?

Does your pulse fall
Or does it race faster than horses?

Do you get dark circles?
Pimples? Rashes? Cold sweats?
Or is it bed hair and supple skin?

What colour is your ceiling?
Or would you tell me of your linen?
Do you lean left or prefer right?

Does the darkness embrace your thoughts?
Does it bring out your worst fears?
Do you hope for tomorrow
Or do you bury your yesterday?

Tell me if you dream
Tell me if you don't
Tell me if you remember your dreams
Tell me if you are creating one

What do you think most of?
Or should I rephrase to 'whom'?

Is the night your sanctuary?
Your shelter? your foster home?
Your nightmare? Your personal hell?

Can you think at all?
Or has your brain frozen?

Do you recall your day?
Or would you rather bury it?

How many pills do you take?
Or how many glasses? Is it drags instead?
Or needles? Or hugs?

How many tears has your bed seen?
How many smiles? How much love?

Do you plot? Do you conspire?
Do you regret? Do you thank?
Do you pray? Do you care?

How much of you sees the day?
How much of the night sees you?

Tell me about your day, darling
But let me into your night..

Bookworm

It called out to me..

in the lanky, lonely lane 

I had to go in.

With every step I took

It felt as if things fit.

The slow, dull smell

of paper and books

that beautiful, slightly irritating

olfactory sensation

I touched one..

And the warm old

feeling returned

One no mechanical device

could ever whisper back

At the end of the aisle

A sharp, alluring smell hit me

A blend of coffee and chicory

Pulling me towards it

Enchanted, I stepped

in the direction of that 

lascivious smell

I saw a pot boiling

And a man tending to it

With the love it deserved

I was desperate

The smells, the touch

from a very familiar past

My desperation was pointless

And I walked away

Hungry for books

Hungry for coffee

Hungry, so so hungry..

Cup of tea

Wind breaks my pane
And the rain pours in..
I watch entranced, drenched
My tea gets sipped
My room is showered
And I stay
Unperturbed

Wasn't it like this?
When we walked under an umbrella
The first time ever
Awkward teenagers
Mindful of personal distance

So near yet so far..
And then when across continents
Our currents drifted
So far yet so near
Remember, darling?

A story across cities
Countries and continents
Three years and a decade
You emptied me
I exhausted you

Wind breaks my pane
And the rain pours in..
You break my heart
And the tears pour in..
My teacup is dried
My walls are down
I left
Broken a lifetime over

Do you miss my mind..
My heart, my soul?
Does your tea smell
Like my memory?
Does it loiter sketchily
Like awkward teenagers
Under an umbrella?

Does it zoom away
Like a bullet train?
Does it zigzag
Like a moped..?
Does it taste rich
Like camel milk sweets?
Does it scare sweetly
Like a kid in a park?

Does it matter?
Does it not?
Rain brings in the pane
You bring in the pain
My kettle boils again
The tea aroma drenches
A silent tear crawls

Don't look back
Unperturbed,
Pick it up and
Sip my memory
Let it steal into
That cup of tea

Denial

I can't contain
Subside or hide
I can't refuse to
acknowledge

I was many things
All but what
You wanted

Sprawled in a town
Sleeping in another
Shopping in third
Trapped enroute fourth
Sulking in fifth
Fighting in sixth

You know how
The list goes on

Sheepish, hawkish

Loving, scary

Resolute, insecure

A story over

A decade

Half a world

Now ended

Dried up tears

Remain

And a tsunami dies

In my throat 

Pack it

Lock it 

Run away

Grieve 

Embrace

Leave.. 

Making friends with her

I lost it somehow
I lost it somewhere..

That ability to let it go
To let you take over
To make your excuses for me

Yes my smile was brighter
Perhaps, even some blush

But you were it's origin
Not me..

You weren't there to pick the pieces
Not pick even one

How would you defend that
To the person I see
In the mirror?

How do I right your wrongs?
Can I escape?

From you? From me?
From you and me?

I am scared to go to bed
Because that person in the mirror
Haunts me then

I delay and tire myself
So I don't have to face her

Facing you is easy
But she is fire, smoke, ash and lava
Her questions are harder to answer
Her eyes difficult to stare into

Sometimes I try to reach out
Despite the angry accusation
In her red eyes

No hand I hold out
Is held back

She's standing in my way
But I just want her
To walk along with me
Maybe by the sea
Or home, in the mountains

But mainly I'm waiting
Someday maybe
She'll smile back at me

The Match

Flick a match
And hear the soft scratch
A slight light burns
Meanders
And steadies

You hold out
Your palm
You shield the flame
From stray wind

The match approaches the wick
Which doesn't respond
Instantaneously

You persevere
You hold the match
Close, very close
To the wick
Until the flame is shared

Your hand still there
You reach out
To put the lamp
In its own home

The tiny flame
That once wasn't
Will now
Light your home

Like you

I thought I just loved you.

"Love breaks my bones and I laugh." He said.

Buckowski. 

It's funny because he hadn't even seen me do that when he wrote that. And yet so prosaic, so poetic, so hauntingly honest.

A thought crosses, says "Like you."

I honestly thought I had you. I wanted you. A billion times over.

As a child. As a confused adolescent. As a young woman. As a strong woman.

A hundred thousand things changed and I thought perhaps one didn't.

Tigers change stripes they say, and I did. So much so I can't even recognize the person in the mirror. How she dresses, thinks, drinks and behave: all so alien so the girl who met you.

Maybe it was a dream. Lucid. Vivid. Unreal.

Maybe for a few fleeting moments, I thought you cared.

I know I did, dreaming or not.

I had faith in purity. Purity of love. Of you, or at least the idea of you.

Darling

It's a big bad world, darling
They tease and please
They taunt

They lie and they deceive
They starve and drench
And they do it again

The world won't be your
Parents home, your mothers lap

It's be dark, grey
It'll be tiring and lonely
And it'll disappoint

Your people will cheat
And desert on your worst day

But darling, remember
Close your eyes and
Take a deep breath

Look inside your immense heart
Look inside your immense strength
Your innermost layer of power

Look beyond what you see
And look beneath what appears

Look within your dear self
Your endless strength
That'll only grow each day

Look yourself in the mirror
And get inspired, darling

You survived another day
And the world didn't fall over
The sky didn't disappear

You prevailed, a day at a time
An inch closer to your goal
A smile, maybe a tear, at a time

Darling,
You did well, you did enough
You didn't give up

Monster

Look me in the eye
And tell me

Tell me what you think
Of these claws
Of these red eyes

Do you see the spite
On my face?
Can you sense
My negative vibes?

You could have loved me
But you didnt
I loved you so much
But you didnt

Not even when I begged
At my lowest
Not even when I took
A leap of faith and crashed..

You didn't lick me wounds
You didn't even shelter me
At my most lost

And then I chose
To be stronger
Every day more than the last

Unhindered, unstoppable
I am today what I am

Tell me now, again
Look into my eyes
and tell me if you can

That I'm a Monster
One that you created

Grey

Besides a million footsteps
A hundred odd dates
And dozens of life changing moments,
I don't think I'll lose much

Our tickets still glossy
The paper still white
And the ink still wet

I'll spill some water
Or gravy or paint
To wash it all
Or spoil it ugly

Or maybe some lava
Should help it
Fossilise away

It should burn away
Like wildlife
There can't remain
Any ashes to scatter

There can't remain
Even half a memory
Or the weakest of smiles

Gifts of past smother me
A million needles
Slicing my remains

I choke from within
Trying to gulp rocks
Scratching my throat to breathe

How many of us died?
How many times?

Take it all away
Just take it all
The white and black
But especially all the grey