May 30, 2011

The Question

She was alone at the huge teakwood table, carved and highlightened in gold paint. The entree had been however served.


Wait! Who served the entree?


She looked around, but there wasn't a soul anywhere. The mango slice seemed tempting, so she took the fork and had it. It was just like what she wanted it to be. Delightful.


She suddenly felt a tap on her right shoulder. Startled, she looked, her face being a perfect mixture of shock, curiosity and the fear of the unknown. It was Reed.


Reed!


Suddenly the huge hall changed into some garden. The entree transformed into a hot dog and the table just wasn't where it stood. She and Reed sat on the bench, looking particularly nowhere. She wanted to ask him, where he'd sprung from and what was happening... But she was befuddled to even ask that.


Reed sincerely munched into the hot dog and they started walking, both looking down at the grass.


Just as they always did. Reed could never look at her in the eye whenever they walked together. It was the same even now. Some things never change, she thought. And it made her smile involuntarily.

Reed saw her smile in the corner of her eye and he couldn't help but smile too.


Reed asked her where he could find certain day-to-day something. He said he'd go and be back soon.


But it happened again. The place transformed again.


She found herself not in that garden, but in the University campus.


"What happened, honey? why've you been staring at the spruce so long?" said Gant, holding her from behind, gently kissing her earlobes.


She suddenly realised she had changed the place again, like what always happened. She was no longer with Reed in that garden, smiling for reasons they both knew and yet didn't. She was with Gant, her boyfriend of a few month, in the Uni winter. Gant was holding her from behind like he always liked to.


The winter was closing in and yes it felt nice to be wrapped up in warm arms. Her clothes had changed too, for a woollen hat and a soft scarf had appeared, obviously apart from her sundress (in the garden with Reed) changing into warm woollens.


But she was still quite uncertain. Something didn't seems entirely right. There seemed to be things falling out.


No! I can't compare Reed and Gant! Gant is my boyfriend..!

But then what's the thing with Reed?

Why do I still feel I should be walking with Reed, looking down at the ground rather than being in a wintry Uni with Gant?


It didn't exactly make sense.


By now Gant was holding her closer, definitely going in for a kiss. She turned and faced him, and they kissed. Very passionately so.


Suddenly she felt as if she were on fire. It was hot and she was sweating.


She could feel the light hitting her eyes.


No please!


Not another transition.. Let me just be, someone!


And suddenly she realised. It was a dream.


It was still 5-20 am, but thanks to the merciless long days of summer, the sun was bright and hitting right upon her face.


She was irritated at that. My body does respond to natural timings, but this is cruel.. why does the sun have to be up so early? she stared out at the window and suddenly the dream came back to her.


Whatever does that mean?! she thought, as she lazily creeped out to the water bottle kept besides her bed. As she drank, a few drops came out and wet her shirt. Darn! Why do I have to mess about so much!


She sense that others were sound asleep. She turned to the fan to turn it faster, but at the fastest possible speed it already was. Darn again!


She eased out to her chair, and logged onto the net. They weren't any new mails. Ok.


She started surfing pictures of Robert Downey Jr, the one man she totally adored. But her mind was entirely elsewhere. On Reed. On Gant. Wait! On Reed or Gant?!


And then she smiled involuntarily to herself.


Well that's the very question, isn't it?

Leaving it behind

I'd once smiled to see yours

I'd once laughed to get back your laughter

There were times when you

Really meant a lot to me

I spoke and dressed and even was

Just the way you'd want me

I was that innocent something

Who did stuff only so that you'd smile

But you called me shrewd,

Said I was mean and purposeful and selfish

I never chose to have any defence

Because I was too stupid to

Recognise that it's going wrong

First came the true honest smiles from you

Then came those secrets

That never were told to me

Then came the judgement

practically casting me away

By the way you acted

Yet hurting me more by saying

"Ojas you've a problem with us

Hence you act and make us look

As if we cast you away"

But that you did, didnt you?

For then came the veiled insults

And then all the mud slinging

I'd thought you were classy

But you dug things far and deep

You dug and slung..

And dug and slung..

Until I was ashamed to see you

Sling so much mud on anyone

I never thought that's something you'd do

To anyone.. anyone at all..

I chose to call it crossroads

Till our roads crossed again

You crashed with the news and I knew

I just had to be there

For you..

The others that dug for you, against me

Didn't even dare to approach you that day without me

That was their silent acceptance to the fact

that 'we' was something that mattered..

None but one of them was there

The next morning

I can't even forget your hug and tears then

I hence thought

Of burying the mud again

But you still wanted to sting

You and your venomous origin

Lash out and show that you don't deserve

Whatever I still extended over to you

I called it crossroads when finally

You text me asking to identify myself

You hurt me worse and like never before

I call it crossroads again

And yet today our roads cross

I'm only praying I'd be wrong of you..

For now you look at me and act as if you didn't

Now even your fake smile has fallen

As have you, in my eyes..

I really so wish to leave you

Leave you and all behind

But once and more I've loved you

Of you, these cheat memories do remind

That infinitesimal part still holds the bind,

All those things I so trusted blind..

I must just leave you..

You and all behind...

May 29, 2011

O Solitude !

And that day you came back

Though I didn't want you to
But things happened such
There was nothing I could do !


You weren't new to me
I knew you in and out
Each time I knew more of you
Each time that made me shout


I grew up with you
Ever since I began to know you
Though I hated every bit of you
There wasn't a way to throw you


You had seen my worst tears
And witnessed my hysteric cries
And still you continue to smile
Every time my heart dies


And in my grief times
When I need someone mine
You come and deepen wounds
And make your existence shine


Though my whole and soul
Grew under your eye
Get out of my life !!
I'd love to bid you goodbye


And one day he came
And all your existence was lifted
He was mine, and I was his..
With him, I was gifted

I was jubilant with you out
I thought ended is my strife !
But you were stronger than me
And swept him out of my life


He's somebody else's ! you said !
And back I am thine !
You slashed him out of my life
That was made by him fine


Though he isn't mine, I'll love him...
And I'll do that into Infinitude...
And I'm again kissing your hem...
And kneeling to your curse, O Solitude !