Cup of tea

Wind breaks my pane
And the rain pours in..
I watch entranced, drenched
My tea gets sipped
My room is showered
And I stay
Unperturbed

Wasn't it like this?
When we walked under an umbrella
The first time ever
Awkward teenagers
Mindful of personal distance

So near yet so far..
And then when across continents
Our currents drifted
So far yet so near
Remember, darling?

A story across cities
Countries and continents
Three years and a decade
You emptied me
I exhausted you

Wind breaks my pane
And the rain pours in..
You break my heart
And the tears pour in..
My teacup is dried
My walls are down
I left
Broken a lifetime over

Do you miss my mind..
My heart, my soul?
Does your tea smell
Like my memory?
Does it loiter sketchily
Like awkward teenagers
Under an umbrella?

Does it zoom away
Like a bullet train?
Does it zigzag
Like a moped..?
Does it taste rich
Like camel milk sweets?
Does it scare sweetly
Like a kid in a park?

Does it matter?
Does it not?
Rain brings in the pane
You bring in the pain
My kettle boils again
The tea aroma drenches
A silent tear crawls

Don't look back
Unperturbed,
Pick it up and
Sip my memory
Let it steal into
That cup of tea

Denial

I can't contain
Subside or hide
I can't refuse to
acknowledge

I was many things
All but what
You wanted

Sprawled in a town
Sleeping in another
Shopping in third
Trapped enroute fourth
Sulking in fifth
Fighting in sixth

You know how
The list goes on

Sheepish, hawkish

Loving, scary

Resolute, insecure

A story over

A decade

Half a world

Now ended

Dried up tears

Remain

And a tsunami dies

In my throat 

Pack it

Lock it 

Run away

Grieve 

Embrace

Leave.. 

Making friends with her

I lost it somehow
I lost it somewhere..

That ability to let it go
To let you take over
To make your excuses for me

Yes my smile was brighter
Perhaps, even some blush

But you were it's origin
Not me..

You weren't there to pick the pieces
Not pick even one

How would you defend that
To the person I see
In the mirror?

How do I right your wrongs?
Can I escape?

From you? From me?
From you and me?

I am scared to go to bed
Because that person in the mirror
Haunts me then

I delay and tire myself
So I don't have to face her

Facing you is easy
But she is fire, smoke, ash and lava
Her questions are harder to answer
Her eyes difficult to stare into

Sometimes I try to reach out
Despite the angry accusation
In her red eyes

No hand I hold out
Is held back

She's standing in my way
But I just want her
To walk along with me
Maybe by the sea
Or home, in the mountains

But mainly I'm waiting
Someday maybe
She'll smile back at me

The Match

Flick a match
And hear the soft scratch
A slight light burns
Meanders
And steadies

You hold out
Your palm
You shield the flame
From stray wind

The match approaches the wick
Which doesn't respond
Instantaneously

You persevere
You hold the match
Close, very close
To the wick
Until the flame is shared

Your hand still there
You reach out
To put the lamp
In its own home

The tiny flame
That once wasn't
Will now
Light your home

Like you

I thought I just loved you.

"Love breaks my bones and I laugh." He said.

Buckowski. 

It's funny because he hadn't even seen me do that when he wrote that. And yet so prosaic, so poetic, so hauntingly honest.

A thought crosses, says "Like you."

I honestly thought I had you. I wanted you. A billion times over.

As a child. As a confused adolescent. As a young woman. As a strong woman.

A hundred thousand things changed and I thought perhaps one didn't.

Tigers change stripes they say, and I did. So much so I can't even recognize the person in the mirror. How she dresses, thinks, drinks and behave: all so alien so the girl who met you.

Maybe it was a dream. Lucid. Vivid. Unreal.

Maybe for a few fleeting moments, I thought you cared.

I know I did, dreaming or not.

I had faith in purity. Purity of love. Of you, or at least the idea of you.