Making friends with her

I lost it somehow
I lost it somewhere..

That ability to let it go
To let you take over
To make your excuses for me

Yes my smile was brighter
Perhaps, even some blush

But you were it's origin
Not me..

You weren't there to pick the pieces
Not pick even one

How would you defend that
To the person I see
In the mirror?

How do I right your wrongs?
Can I escape?

From you? From me?
From you and me?

I am scared to go to bed
Because that person in the mirror
Haunts me then

I delay and tire myself
So I don't have to face her

Facing you is easy
But she is fire, smoke, ash and lava
Her questions are harder to answer
Her eyes difficult to stare into

Sometimes I try to reach out
Despite the angry accusation
In her red eyes

No hand I hold out
Is held back

She's standing in my way
But I just want her
To walk along with me
Maybe by the sea
Or home, in the mountains

But mainly I'm waiting
Someday maybe
She'll smile back at me

The Match

Flick a match
And hear the soft scratch
A slight light burns
Meanders
And steadies

You hold out
Your palm
You shield the flame
From stray wind

The match approaches the wick
Which doesn't respond
Instantaneously

You persevere
You hold the match
Close, very close
To the wick
Until the flame is shared

Your hand still there
You reach out
To put the lamp
In its own home

The tiny flame
That once wasn't
Will now
Light your home

Like you

I thought I just loved you.

"Love breaks my bones and I laugh." He said.

Buckowski. 

It's funny because he hadn't even seen me do that when he wrote that. And yet so prosaic, so poetic, so hauntingly honest.

A thought crosses, says "Like you."

I honestly thought I had you. I wanted you. A billion times over.

As a child. As a confused adolescent. As a young woman. As a strong woman.

A hundred thousand things changed and I thought perhaps one didn't.

Tigers change stripes they say, and I did. So much so I can't even recognize the person in the mirror. How she dresses, thinks, drinks and behave: all so alien so the girl who met you.

Maybe it was a dream. Lucid. Vivid. Unreal.

Maybe for a few fleeting moments, I thought you cared.

I know I did, dreaming or not.

I had faith in purity. Purity of love. Of you, or at least the idea of you.

Darling

It's a big bad world, darling
They tease and please
They taunt

They lie and they deceive
They starve and drench
And they do it again

The world won't be your
Parents home, your mothers lap

It's be dark, grey
It'll be tiring and lonely
And it'll disappoint

Your people will cheat
And desert on your worst day

But darling, remember
Close your eyes and
Take a deep breath

Look inside your immense heart
Look inside your immense strength
Your innermost layer of power

Look beyond what you see
And look beneath what appears

Look within your dear self
Your endless strength
That'll only grow each day

Look yourself in the mirror
And get inspired, darling

You survived another day
And the world didn't fall over
The sky didn't disappear

You prevailed, a day at a time
An inch closer to your goal
A smile, maybe a tear, at a time

Darling,
You did well, you did enough
You didn't give up

Monster

Look me in the eye
And tell me

Tell me what you think
Of these claws
Of these red eyes

Do you see the spite
On my face?
Can you sense
My negative vibes?

You could have loved me
But you didnt
I loved you so much
But you didnt

Not even when I begged
At my lowest
Not even when I took
A leap of faith and crashed..

You didn't lick me wounds
You didn't even shelter me
At my most lost

And then I chose
To be stronger
Every day more than the last

Unhindered, unstoppable
I am today what I am

Tell me now, again
Look into my eyes
and tell me if you can

That I'm a Monster
One that you created