Like you

I thought I just loved you.

"Love breaks my bones and I laugh." He said.

Buckowski. 

It's funny because he hadn't even seen me do that when he wrote that. And yet so prosaic, so poetic, so hauntingly honest.

A thought crosses, says "Like you."

I honestly thought I had you. I wanted you. A billion times over.

As a child. As a confused adolescent. As a young woman. As a strong woman.

A hundred thousand things changed and I thought perhaps one didn't.

Tigers change stripes they say, and I did. So much so I can't even recognize the person in the mirror. How she dresses, thinks, drinks and behave: all so alien so the girl who met you.

Maybe it was a dream. Lucid. Vivid. Unreal.

Maybe for a few fleeting moments, I thought you cared.

I know I did, dreaming or not.

I had faith in purity. Purity of love. Of you, or at least the idea of you.

Darling

It's a big bad world, darling
They tease and please
They taunt

They lie and they deceive
They starve and drench
And they do it again

The world won't be your
Parents home, your mothers lap

It's be dark, grey
It'll be tiring and lonely
And it'll disappoint

Your people will cheat
And desert on your worst day

But darling, remember
Close your eyes and
Take a deep breath

Look inside your immense heart
Look inside your immense strength
Your innermost layer of power

Look beyond what you see
And look beneath what appears

Look within your dear self
Your endless strength
That'll only grow each day

Look yourself in the mirror
And get inspired, darling

You survived another day
And the world didn't fall over
The sky didn't disappear

You prevailed, a day at a time
An inch closer to your goal
A smile, maybe a tear, at a time

Darling,
You did well, you did enough
You didn't give up

Monster

Look me in the eye
And tell me

Tell me what you think
Of these claws
Of these red eyes

Do you see the spite
On my face?
Can you sense
My negative vibes?

You could have loved me
But you didnt
I loved you so much
But you didnt

Not even when I begged
At my lowest
Not even when I took
A leap of faith and crashed..

You didn't lick me wounds
You didn't even shelter me
At my most lost

And then I chose
To be stronger
Every day more than the last

Unhindered, unstoppable
I am today what I am

Tell me now, again
Look into my eyes
and tell me if you can

That I'm a Monster
One that you created

Grey

Besides a million footsteps
A hundred odd dates
And dozens of life changing moments,
I don't think I'll lose much

Our tickets still glossy
The paper still white
And the ink still wet

I'll spill some water
Or gravy or paint
To wash it all
Or spoil it ugly

Or maybe some lava
Should help it
Fossilise away

It should burn away
Like wildlife
There can't remain
Any ashes to scatter

There can't remain
Even half a memory
Or the weakest of smiles

Gifts of past smother me
A million needles
Slicing my remains

I choke from within
Trying to gulp rocks
Scratching my throat to breathe

How many of us died?
How many times?

Take it all away
Just take it all
The white and black
But especially all the grey

Do you hear?

Do you hear my voice

when you keep down the phone?

Do you hear my steps,

walking away tiptoed?

Do you hear any of 

my laughs or my stolen stares?

Do you hear when I

Look down aghast?

Do you hear the thunder

of my every tear?

Are you deafened by

the tears I hold back?

Do you hear 

My claims of love?

Do you sleep to 

my songs of loneliness?

Or my muffled screams in

the shower?

Do you hear when 

I shout underwater?

Do you hear me, dear?

Save me will you?

I can't hear anything anymore

Yours or mine...